To POAS or Not To POAS

POAS = Pee On A Stick = Take a Home Pregnancy Test (HPT)

Everyone woman has a very distinct POAS behavior and every woman is different. Some women test out their trigger shots and then test every day leading up to Beta or AF. Some women test only the day of their Beta and some women refuse to test at all. Some women continue to test even after getting a +HPT.

Me, I am a POAS-aholic. This is directly related to my need to know and control everything. It's not about having patience. I am good with patience. I can be patient as the day is long, as long as I am not in the dark. I hate surprises and I hate not knowing what is going on. If you ever want to see me go bat shit crazy, stand right outside my earshot and start whispering. I will literally crawl up a wall trying to figure out what is going on and if you are whispering about me.

So, naturally, I am the type to POAS as soon as I possibly can. During previously failed IUIs, I would always test out my trigger shot. I bought cheap Wondfo pregnancy test strips from Amazon for this very purpose. I would test every other day until it was finally negative. Then I knew I could continue testing until it hopefully turned positive (it never did). This time, I was not in very good shape after ER so I never really tested out my trigger like I did before. I finally remembered to take a test when I got home from ET just so I would know it was out of my system and I wouldn't risk getting my hopes up over a false positive. I tested, it was negative. Trigger was all clear.

When you do IVF, you count the ER as your day of ovulation. Dates are then calculated as days past transfer. For example, Sunday was 5 days after trasnfer (5dp5dt) or 10 days after ER (10dpo). 5dp5dt is usually the earliest an HPT will detect HCG (the pregnancy hormone) in your urine and the earliest you can get a +. Several women on my favorite message board had gotten faint lines on their HPTs at 5dp5dt so I told myself it would be a good day for me to start testing too.

My test was a Big Fat Negative! At first, I was ok and kept telling myself it was too early, but then I got more and more upset as the day progressed. I was sure this IVF was a failure and there is no worse feeling than that for me, right now.

I woke up yesterday (Monday) with an overwhelming feeling of dread. I stared at the stick for the longest time waiting for it to decide my fate. Pregnant - Not Pregnant - which would it be?

Then I got my answer...

You have no idea what it's like to walk around all day knowing you are pregnant, but not being able to do anything to help it stick and certainly not able to shout it from the rooftops. Although I did a tiny bit of shouting. The sad part is my mom is on her cruise and unreachable. She doesn't even know yet.

I had my Beta HCG (blood test) at 10:30 this morning so now I am just waiting for the results and praying they are good!

Even then, the road between here and bringing home a baby is so long it is overwhelming. There are 100 steps between now and then, and I am just at the beginning.

But for now, in this moment, I am pregnant!